Bye Mom from the new Parent Trap and reflections on my own Mom

I was very sad to read about the news of Natasha Richardson's passing. I loved her in every movie she was in that I saw and she always exuded grace, unlike a lot of actresses out there. She did a lot of dramatic stuff, but I loved her in the remake of the Parent Trap (that's the movies I get to watch now) and Waking up in Reno. Sad, sad, sad.

I feel for her kids. It's hard to lose a parent and I would've hated it to happen so suddenly and not getting to say goodbye.

My Mom's been gone since November and I still feel as though it was yesterday. I always wondered how people got over the deaths of their loved ones so quickly or couldn't move on for years. Now I understand both sides. I also lost my Dad, but there were years of separation, alcohol and drug abuse and emotional pain. Although it was sad and I miss him dearly, I could accept it within a year. My Mom, on the other hand, is a totally different story.

She and I were the best of friends even since I was little. I can remember everything we used to do and talk about. She was a single Mom for a long time after my Dad left us when I was 10. Years before that she would keep us protected from everything complicated in their marriage which I look back at now with complete astonishment. I wish I had that in me...I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone knows when I'm stressed or upset...something I need to change. She worked about 3-4 jobs at a time to make ends meet and to ensure we always were fed and clothed and had amazing Christmas gifts (she made it so we believed in Santa until we were about 19). She made all my friends feel comfortable and at home and would help out anyone who needed a meal (she was an amazing Italian cook) a haircut (I miss my cuts) or a mended piece of clothing (she once made me a prom dress in one day). She would also take an entire Sunday out to watch John Travolta marathons with me (we LOVED Urban Cowboy) and I would share a blanket with her and scoot my feet under her butt (just the side cheek) to keep them warm and cozy...it sounds gross but it was something I'd do when she sat down next to me. She supported me through everything and never held anything against anyone or myself. She was great for that...one of the things I miss most. I don't think there was a week that went by that I didn't go to her house after picking up the kids at least 4 days and talk to her for 1/2 and hour to 2 hours. We never got sick of talking about nothing. And, she loved my kids; totally loved them and would do anything for me or them or my husband at anytime.

I have an issue with wanting to always pick up the phone and call her...that's hard. She called me Keery and always sang my name and sang a message on the answering machine. I really have no one to go and talk to after work now and that's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. My Mother-In-Law has been amazing and like a second Mother to me and I thank God I have her to rely on. She understands my loss as she knew and loved my Mom and lost her Mom around the same age. But, there's still that void. I thought I'd be better by now, but I'm not. I think I should rush myself but I can't. I know that many of us have that same relationship with our Moms and we can't even think about losing them. I think there had to be a reason that she was taken early from us. She wasn't the healthiest weight, but rarely had health issues throughout her life. If it weren't for her back pain, we would've never found out that she had cancer...it spread so quickly throughout her body, that once we found out, it was too late. I remember the day we were at the Oncologist office...my bros, sisters and Step dad were there. She was lying down because she couldn't sit anymore and she squeezed my hand and I kneeled down beside her and just rubbed her arm and gave her kisses. I knew that I had given her something back in that moment and that our lives were to change forever.

Things got weird before she passed...for many that have lost someone to cancer, the last weeks/days are incredibly difficult and the person who's sick tends to kind of separate themselves a bit from the rest of the family...not because they don't love them but they're in pain and preparing themselves for the inevitable. My Mom felt guilty about leaving us so we had to reassure her that it was ok. Of course, I was dying inside and wanted to tell her it wasn't but she was in so much pain and you could see she needed to go. We were lucky to have that time before she passed to tell her we loved her...for the kids to sit with her and hug and kiss her and make her smile. One of the longtime wishes she had for us was that we buy a home. We were lucky enough to do so the week before she passed (crazy timing). She couldn't go so we videotaped our entire house. We brought it over about two days before she died and she couldn't talk but while she watched she held my hand and cried. This new house means the world to me and I'm so glad she was a part of that. I know how extremely lucky I was to have her as a Mom...she was beyond amazing and special but now I miss her beyond explanation. And, I need some more time.

I feel like I'm the same person with just a bit of my soul taken away from me, like I'm broken. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and beautiful friends and my sweet loving kids and husband. I know that time will heal but I need a lot more of it.

BTW, the picture above is my Mom and me at a wedding where I was feeling a bit of a buzz and she was just loving me unconditionally, like always.

Ah, blogging therapy is great!!!